Overnight I have recovered from my dark mood. It seems my emotions run stronger in both directions these days, whether it is positive or negative. My unbridled foul mouthed rant against that which draws me on my quest, call it God or the Truth. It dislodged some old resentments that were never expressed out of fear of repercussion. My Christian upbringing taught me of a God to be feared and not to be challenged, to do so would risk falling out of favor and then perhaps fire or brimstone would fall on me. But I've since learned to vent and there are a lot of old hurts that are being released. A relationship that does not allow for such expression cannot be healthy nor realistically sustained. To accept that I am loved unconditionally by God would be of significant import that would free me to tread my own path of inquiry deviating from a version of truth that was packaged, branded and handed to me. I never asked for the package but then again no one ever chooses their version of reality, it is their luck of the draw when given their belief package by their parents after birth. With the acceptance of unconditional love there is no longer fear of repercussion. At some point I dared to take a good look at the classic depiction of God as a vengeful judge; if I could upset the big guy in the sky then isn't he subject to me? And if it there so, then why did he make us (all 6 billion of us) so damn incapable of abiding by a set of rules, does he enjoy being disappointed constantly on a daily basis billions of times? So I chose that what matters more is the intention, at some point we need to step out of line and walk another direction trusting that no one who does so would slip through His/Her fingers.
It has been a year since I left my unrestricted comfortable life in California and had I been told I would not have achieved certain results in my life by this time, I wonder if I would have still started down this path. The fact is that the perfect job had come my way before I left Malaysia, precisely as I had declared it but I had let it slip away. What happens when one makes a misstep or doesn't step through an opened door that was meant for them? Am I now living the life that is unscripted down a lost path, have I fallen out of favor with my guide never to redeem myself. Never mind then I thought New Zealand was my Promised Land but it wasn't, waters didn't magically part for me.. though a helicopter did bring me back to the beginning. Maybe I simply chose wrongly again, it could be I should have just not gotten on the helicopter and carried on. What would then have been waiting for me at the end of the trek and with a few more days in New Zealand. Essentially I have become fearful and angry but the rant was a huge catharsis for today I feel so much lighter and capable. Having moved some blocks, my faith is restored and feel plugged in once again to the higher powers. I am ready to take up my cross again.
My view has changed a lot, I used to believe in a fatherly figure in the sky that would protect me and grant me miracles if I just were to listen and abide with his set of rules. Then that notion dissolved to be replaced with a greater burden of responsibility... I too am a creator, and God is a lot closer than I though whispering in my ear "you want the miracles? create them! Or rather intend them then step out of the way. There are no other rules and no reasons to doubt, unless you've judged yourself as unworthy, because then that will be your truth also. You are always right and you are always creating".
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there." - Rumi
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