When I go out to meet the light, the shadow of my body follows me, but the shadow of my spirit precedes me and leads the way to an unknown place
- Kahlil Gibran

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Showers of freedom

I step into this shower of my hotel for the 17th time, but this time in a sombre mood. I'm starting to feel anxious that the time I've spent on this project - resisting the pressure from the client to toil constantly on the project and feeling on edge from lack of rigorous activity - is to be the summation of my experience with the new company. Things were starting to gel well in Sydney, I was starting a routine again and looking forward to staying progressive with learning Salsa, tennis, yoga etc. Aside from the heaps of knowledge I've picked up on the job, being here feels like a waste of precious life. My work has encroached my personal life, the client is the most demanding I've ever had. My life still feels like a whirlwind that hasn't stopped spinning for over 2 years. I crave some roots.

This shower is going to be different I decide. I put on some music - LadyBlacksmith Mambazo the remixes. There are 2 songs on this album that transport me. I need to be somewhere else, the vocals are an incantation that carries me to the plains of Africa. I recall the time when I was in Tanzania on the Serengeti, large rain laden clouds rolling in the skies above and the warm wind sweeping the savannah. It was a wild and unrestrained place. With my eyes closed I am running - a bushman. the sky flashes with lightning and I am urged on by the voices in the song.

The song shifts and now I am sitting by a fire with a tribe. An elder is placing some earth in the open palm of my hand and speaking in a strange tongue. The sparks from the flames leap high, the faces around the fire reflect admiration and love. I feel a sense of belonging and purpose. It is some sort of initiation...

I want to feel, only feel... and so I do something completely uncharacteristic in the shower - I dance. And when the mind attempts to intervene, I dismiss it and the limbs are moving on their own, I am not even aware of the movements. In my shower stall there is no trace of civilization, just a naked man in a primitive dance.

I'm haunted by that same accusation I thought I'd buried - that I'm selling out on my dreams. Time is whittling away. This island city feels like Alcatraz at times. The knowledge that there are millions of people crammed on a piece of land that can be traversed by foot in a day is unsettling to someone who gets a high from great expanses of wide open emptiness. I know something isn't right because I seem to find it quite impossible to enjoy the company of most people. It seems that my grand aunt and uncle who live in Singapore are the only people I enjoy being with for extended time. It is nice to sit and not feel judged or analyzed. Where does this come from? I think I just need to feel appreciated. There is that aspect too, I miss being appreciated for nothing more than being who I am. Sitting on their couch sipping tea is food for my soul.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Fancy meeting you here

Today I had one of my questions answered.

The salesman in the designer watch store in Raffles City tells me to try along Bras Basah street to have the link in my watch repaired. As I walk there seeking a watch store a man calls out to me. Again, like the last time, I was not really aware of the man as we passed until he called to me. It is the astrologer from India... again. It feels so surreal I wonder if I am dreaming. How can this be? I am in Singapore now, whereas we met 3 months ago in Malaysia... "You sir, have a very lucky face. July is a very lucky month for you!", he says to me. I feel disappointed. He IS a charlatan and this proves it. I interrupt him as he is telling me about some kind of lucky lines on my forehead to shake his hand and tell him I must go, I have to... to meet someone... it is a lie but this guy doesn't deserve honesty. Lines on my forehead?? I'm wearing a cap and sunglasses, you can't even see my forehead! Seagulls can recognize me with my cap and sunglasses on but not this guy, he doesn't realize that we've met before.

No matter, my previous conclusion has been affirmed. The man WAS a charlatan but also a messenger, April WAS the luckiest month I've had as long as I can remember. Now I can look forward to July too :)