A visit from Grandma

It is 420am here in LA on my first night back from Spain and I am staying at my friend Tom's place. Tom and his girlfriend were with me in Spain for the last half of my trip. I am glad for their company, I have not known Tom for terribly long but I already know that he is among the truest friends I have ever known. I will count him certainly high among the people I will miss most from California when I leave shortly.

I am writing at this odd hour because I've just had an experience that I believe to be the culminating catharsis of my trip to Spain. My Grandmother passed away last year at 91 years from cancer in Malaysia. She was my last remaining grandparent and the rightful strong matriarch of the Shori clan (8 children!) due to her keen insight and sharp wit in matters. We all admired her a great deal and aspired to be like her in many ways. She was always very much involved in our lives, counselling and praying for her children and grandchildren. Being in California I was unable to see her in time before she passed away as most of my other relatives had done. I arrived a couple of days too late.

One night at a point roughly halfway on the camino I dreamed vividly of her. She had come downstairs from her room to address a big gathering of the Shori family, aunts uncles and cousins were there. But before she said anything to anyone, she turned to me and gave me a long hug that left me wondering why I deserved such a long hug when others were waiting her attention. It was nevertheless a deep fulfilling hug.

An hour ago as I was sleeping I dreamt of her again and I awoke from the strength of the experience. I had been meditating everyday in Spain and I was often aware in those times of a well of sadness within me that my mind would repress because most of these times I was not truly in privacy and I didn't wish to allow any emotions to show on my face. An hour ago some of these emotions were set free and I thank my Grandmother for leading me through this.

In my dream I remember being in her home on the island of Penang, and sort of hiding because I was carrying some burden of guilt about something that I had done, I don't even remember what it was but I was avoiding everyone. My younger cousin Ansel was there and ran to tell my Grandmother, I was dismayed and fearful so I chased him into her room to stop him. But he proclaimed my guilt before I could stop him, thereby rousing her from her bedrest since she was afflicted with cancer. In my dream, I broke down in front of her and sobbed and begged her forgiveness. I remember collapsing at her bedside with the force of my sorrow. Then I felt her gentle hand touch my shoulder and urge me from the floor. Through my sobs I remember clearly saying "I'm sorry, I'm not a better person." She looked at me lovingly and simply said "but you were right" meaning there was nothing to forgive in the first place. I woke up at that point and I felt my eyes were wet on my face, I recounted the event of my dream and that's when the emotions really broke through. Without really knowing why I then went through several waves of wracking sobs in my awakened state.

In Spain I had written in my personal journal the question, "Spain will you deliver me from bondage?". I thought it to be a clever play on a scene from one of my favorite movies "The Fountain", in that scene Queen Isabel asks her favorite conquistador "Will you deliver Spain from bondage?". I think having this dream immediately upon my departure is in response to my question. The key to a successful Camino is to carry as little weight as possible. :)