A rough period

Yesterday I returned from having spent the last 3 days in Singapore - the Garden City.  I took a bus to Singapore to spend time with my bro along with my parents.  We decided to all meet in honor of his turning 35 years old on August 11th.  Singapore is a pretty city, I have not seen as many trees aesthetically utilized to accentuate and characterize urban living.  I've been here many times before but have not appreciated the trees this way.  Maybe they are bigger and hence more observable or perhaps my eyes are more open.  I shouldn't compare the two cities but I will... two things strike me immediately crossing the border between Malaysia and Singapore.  I've mentioned the first, the second is the fresh clean appearance of the well maintained buildings.  In Malaysia, it is rare that you find anything built well maintained, in Singapore it is the norm.  That is a typical distinction between a developed nation and one that is not.  

I was only there for 3 days, hardly enough time to form a more qualified, broader opinion of a life there.  Yet my immediate impression of the people... I did not find Singaporeans friendly.  It seems that eye contact is taboo in this city, as is expressing your true feelings.  But then again, it seems that wearing your heart on your sleeve is generally avoided in urban societies.  We are conditioned to wear a mask or risk looking the fool.  

Yet yesterday someone reached out and connected with me in an open and heartfelt way when I needed it badly.  The past 2 days have been very rough for me, I've been doubting everything I know about God and simply loathing myself.  Usually I don't sink this low because I find solace in my belief that a kind God is listening, this time I felt utterly alone and abandoned.  In short, the dark part of my mind was having free reign over my spirit, there was only the feeling of a complete failure in every aspect.  Admonishing myself for leaving my life in California behind and gaining nothing in return.  "All I wanted was a closer relationship with you, but why do you make those who love you and seek you in earnest suffer the most??", let me return to ignorance, let us be strangers if that is the surest path to bliss.  

So yesterday evening as I was walking through the mall here in Midvalley with this defeated spirit of mine, a stranger looked at me as I was passing and gave me a brilliant smile.  Smiles are a rarity in this city, and this one was like stumbling upon a large diamond.  Whoever you are I do so appreciate your courage and huge contribution to me, thank you.  If this is how strangers react to smiles, then I ought to make it a point to smile to at least one stranger a day because it can really transform someone's world in an instant.  When we reach out with a smile we risk rejection, and that dark part of my mind that says you're not worthy is constantly looking for affirmation.  But I've been shown the impact of a smile, and I will create new worlds with mine.    

Ok, well... temporary new worlds.  My dark self returned and reached it's lowest point last night as I was falling asleep.  The other thing that can swing a mood perhaps more surely than a smile is a good night's rest.  This morning I woke up and with renewed energy I feel once again capable of achieving.