Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Satisfying the lower chakras
Ascension
- people who are addicted to their suffering
- people who have an unrelenting need to be right
With Ascension I've changed. And that should not be surprising, if you wish to change the results on your life then change from the inside you must. I've become more rebellious because I rely less on automated responses and more on my own choosing. With these changes, it sometimes feels as though I've become dislodged from my place in society, like I'm now swimming upstream against a current. I won't deny that at times I've felt completely bewildered and singular in my state of being as I imagine myself straddling two realities - one reality involving the common set of limiting beliefs society upholds and the other referenced from that Bright place in my heart whispering to me of my entitlement to many hidden joyful wonders.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Looking beyond
Thursday, August 28, 2008
At last - my soulmate
Monday, August 25, 2008
Healing Hands
A few days ago I learned Reiki. The opportunity to learn Reiki came to me by an invitation from a yoga instructor at the yoga studio I go to. At the time most of me did not believe this could work, I've had Reiki properly done on me once in a flea market in southern California and it did not knock me off my chair so to speak. Since then without further reinforcement, my mind dismissed the mildly fascinating experience as a trick of the mind. We have a tendency to remember only the details that reinforce our deepest beliefs, and my deepest beliefs were restricted to the phenomena that science could explain with a formula because of my undergraduate studies in physics.
A few days ago when I learned Reiki the old model of belief took a huge beating. Six of us gathered at a yoga studio - five students and one Reiki Master. I walked in expecting a magician in robes but the Reiki master seemed benign and ordinary, actually just like your typical middle aged Asian housewife. The yoga studio however was prepped quite nicely, an OM chant was playing and lavender incense was burning to cleanse the energy of the room. We sat on blankets and Anne briefed us on the history, principles and theory of Reiki. I was heartened to learn that according to one account of the discovery of Reiki, the original master was a dean of a Christian school in Kyoto, Japan named Dr. Usui whose original quest was to learn how Jesus could heal in miraculous ways. Learning this was affirmation that here surely was another stepping stone on my quest to find the Truth.
The Reiki ability is not grown gradually and it is not dependent on individual talent, it is simply passed from teacher to student in an attunement process, hence anyone can learn it. First we performed a brief meditative and visualization procedure to cleanse our chakras, then Anne transfered the Reiki energy to us. For this we sat in a chair with closed eyes, our feet on the floor and hands clasped in a prayer position over our chests while she did her magic stuff. It was during this part of the attunement that I felt a very strong distinct tingling sensation over my head, throat and heart chakras. Until that moment I had questioned the existence of chakras and so it startled me, in my mind I saw a twinkling burst of yellow light. For the rest of that day, I was tingling and pulsing in certain chakral locations along my spine.
Once we were attuned, we practiced on each other. The client would lie down and the practitioner would place his/her hands at certain locations on the body. If healing was needed the hands would either tingle, grow hot or very cold. The new practitioner that treated me accurately located the areas in my body where I knew I was hurt or weak. I could also verify the sensations in his hands as he described them to the class. When it was time for me to treat my friend, my skepticism took over as I placed my hands on her. Yet by the end of the treatment skepticism was replaced by wonder.
That night I awoke at 3am and could not return to sleep, I felt too alert and there was a clarity in me that I could not recall ever knowing. So I Ascended hoping that it would help me sleep. During my meditation I felt a great calmness descend and my body dissolve. I have never been in such a pleasurable blissful state. I did not want it to end.
I will conclude this journal entry with the Reiki Principles/Ideals as guidelines for living a gracious life and virtues worthy of practice for their inherent value. From my manual:
- Just for today, I will let go of anger.
- Just for today, I will let go of worry.
- Just for today, I will give thanks for my many blessings.
- Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
- Just for today, I will be kind to my neighbor and every living being.
Note my previous post in which principle i. was tested, I'm a little sheepish about that one.
A Free Lesson
Today I threw a major rant against God which is typical whenever things go bad in series. It occurred on my way downtown to receive my shipment from California. I had been keeping them in storage until a place to move the items into became available. I was upset because I was late, and I was late because though I had caught a cab early I had to return home midway to retrieve the keys to the apartment that I was moving the items into. To make matters worse, the cab driver couldn't wait for me after he dropped me back in MidValley because he didn't have enough gas to get downtown at that point. So I had to get back in line for a cab again... and by the time I got to the apartment downtown what had been 30 mins early had become 30 mins late.
Why was I upset with God, well because I was supposed to be more capable of living life with each step along the Bright Path. The logic being with less mental clutter comes clarity of thought, and therefore correct action. Instead I could see my parents shaking their heads at me in chastisement, "See? You still haven't learned to do things right." But as it tends to be with events we judge as bad and consequently make us angry or fill us with guilt, with more time comes understanding so that eventually a different opinion evolves. Often we even become grateful. In this situation a long time was not needed to realize how my anger and fears were unjustified, when I got there instead of finding an upset crew of shippers I received a message telling me that they weren't arriving for another hour. And so I received a harmless but effective lesson in prioritization and yet another reminder to surrender to events that I can't alter. Hey maybe this was my first mini miracle...??
As for my possessions from California, each one of the 73 pieces made the journey. But, two of my cherished major items of furniture took a bad hit. One was a copper top half moon table that now looks like a 2/5 moon table and the other was some surface damage to a double dresser. I was overall pleased to see that my furniture complimented the new apartment very well. I guess it was the right decision not to sell off everything as I had originally intended to do. Whoever rents the place will be thankful as well.
I'm sitting here on my bed and I'm feeling a certain sense of peace that had been missing for many months now since the day I put my items in boxes and watched them loaded onto a truck. Wow, it sure feels good to delete this spot of worry in the back of my mind.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
How to Perform Miracles
Faltering light
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
A rough period
Friday, August 8, 2008
A fierce combatant
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Back to Basics
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
A Break from the City
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Reluctant Messiah
Monday, July 28, 2008
Impeccable Words
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
There are no ordinary moments
Monday, July 21, 2008
Long Life To You My Friend
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Open your hand to receive
- First Thunder An Adventure of Discovery - MSI
- Open Mind, Open Heart The Contemplative Dimension of the Gospel - Thomas Keating
- Evolution's End Claiming the Potential of our Intelligence - Joseph Chilton Pearce
- The Four Agreements A Toltec Wisdom Book - Don Miguel Ruiz
Batik from the heart
Ok it's time to end the drought and post an entry on this Blog. I've been staying here in Malaysia for over a month now and I realize I should not wait for a monumental event or revelation to hit me so I have something to write about. So I'll write about nothing... because nothing is still something.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A Theory of Soulmates
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Another restless night
Monday, June 16, 2008
The current state of affairs
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Breaking my pain barrier
Yesterday I went for a 30 minute massage at the Thai spa downstairs. It was for my neck and shoulders and I expected tender, soothing and loving strokes. Instead I received 30 minutes of intense agony during which time I did my best not to whimper nor express any discomfort. I think my efforts to remain stoic only inspired the masseuse to dig deeper, I am absolutely convinced that she took satisfaction in making me raise my head and pound my fist on the floor. I had always thought that it was not possible to stay conscious and experience that level of pain. In fact, I never knew that pain could reach that high. I didn't actually burst into tears but I experienced a sudden onset of Tourret's syndrome which abated only 30 minutes after she was finished. Well, does it count as Tourret's if you don't actually vocalize the cussing? I don't know.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Turning the page
Saturday, May 31, 2008
A visit from Grandma
I am writing at this odd hour because I've just had an experience that I believe to be the culminating catharsis of my trip to Spain. My Grandmother passed away last year at 91 years from cancer in Malaysia. She was my last remaining grandparent and the rightful strong matriarch of the Shori clan (8 children!) due to her keen insight and sharp wit in matters. We all admired her a great deal and aspired to be like her in many ways. She was always very much involved in our lives, counselling and praying for her children and grandchildren. Being in California I was unable to see her in time before she passed away as most of my other relatives had done. I arrived a couple of days too late.
One night at a point roughly halfway on the camino I dreamed vividly of her. She had come downstairs from her room to address a big gathering of the Shori family, aunts uncles and cousins were there. But before she said anything to anyone, she turned to me and gave me a long hug that left me wondering why I deserved such a long hug when others were waiting her attention. It was nevertheless a deep fulfilling hug.
An hour ago as I was sleeping I dreamt of her again and I awoke from the strength of the experience. I had been meditating everyday in Spain and I was often aware in those times of a well of sadness within me that my mind would repress because most of these times I was not truly in privacy and I didn't wish to allow any emotions to show on my face. An hour ago some of these emotions were set free and I thank my Grandmother for leading me through this.
In my dream I remember being in her home on the island of Penang, and sort of hiding because I was carrying some burden of guilt about something that I had done, I don't even remember what it was but I was avoiding everyone. My younger cousin Ansel was there and ran to tell my Grandmother, I was dismayed and fearful so I chased him into her room to stop him. But he proclaimed my guilt before I could stop him, thereby rousing her from her bedrest since she was afflicted with cancer. In my dream, I broke down in front of her and sobbed and begged her forgiveness. I remember collapsing at her bedside with the force of my sorrow. Then I felt her gentle hand touch my shoulder and urge me from the floor. Through my sobs I remember clearly saying "I'm sorry, I'm not a better person." She looked at me lovingly and simply said "but you were right" meaning there was nothing to forgive in the first place. I woke up at that point and I felt my eyes were wet on my face, I recounted the event of my dream and that's when the emotions really broke through. Without really knowing why I then went through several waves of wracking sobs in my awakened state.
In Spain I had written in my personal journal the question, "Spain will you deliver me from bondage?". I thought it to be a clever play on a scene from one of my favorite movies "The Fountain", in that scene Queen Isabel asks her favorite conquistador "Will you deliver Spain from bondage?". I think having this dream immediately upon my departure is in response to my question. The key to a successful Camino is to carry as little weight as possible. :)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The Camino de Santiago Part II
On the final day (day 11) of my Camino, I took a bus to Santiago from a town on the coast called Ribeira where due to unforeseen circumstances, I had spent the last 3 days with my friend Lorena and her aunt instead of continuing my walk. When I walked into the grand cathedral in Santiago I didn't feel an overwhelming emotional force wash over me. I had heard of people on the camino breaking down and sobbing at points on the trail when barriers within themselves crack, others have mystical experiences as they realize the unity that surrounds them. I did not have either one though I did feel quite emotional at certain places on the trail when the beauty around me seemed too much to bear. In such moments of wonder so intense that it seemed I was on the verge of dissolving completely and becoming part of the landscape before me.
Standing in the cathedral reminds me of the churches and cathedrals these past few weeks. They appear as mighty yet garish displays of wealth and power intending to serve as temples for worshiping God or to proclaim one religion mightier and truer than another. I felt a stronger presence of 'God' in the spontaneous loving embrace of fellowship between the Norwegian sisters and myself at one point during the Camino than in any of the churches and cathedrals. I touched the pillar in the cathedral that had been worn smooth as polished marble by the hands of thousands of pilgrims before me for centuries and I didn't feel a blinding flash of revelation. What struck me instead was the irony that this enormous cathedral had been built to honor the resting place of one of Christ's apostles but the facts showed that the person laying in eternal slumber in the sepulcher was actually shown to be more likely that of some heretic than St.James. So what was the supernatural mystique that drew us to this place in the first place? Or was it really purely a mental construct? It was just a physical symbol whose worth was entirely ascribed to it by our minds. The Camino can be any destination that we choose to create, indeed our whole world experience is formed by our minds. I have heard it said that the Universe perfectly reflects our thoughts back to us, one small mental shift can result in a huge change in the quality of our lives. Vast amounts of energy can be wasted holding onto self defeating beliefs and protecting them. On my Bright Path I want to drop the burden of these thoughts, return to my innocence and become fearless again. Let me remember my true identity.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own Light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson
Saturday, May 24, 2008
The Camino de Santiago Part I
I have spent 8 days of walking the Camino. I had intended to walk 11 days but circumstances dictated that it be curtailed. I am certain that this short yet moving experience will be the highlight of my trip and from it I now have a clear mental reference for the level of tranquility and beauty that this world was meant to provide for us. When life becomes too hectic I can journey to this place again and check if I have strayed too far from what it means to be a sane person with my feet firmly on the ground and my mind fully present and connected with my surroundings.
Already in the succeeding days since the Camino I have found my mind struggling to stay where my feet are planted. In particular, the cities such as Madrid and Sevilla pulled me far off base and I lose completely the sense of all that is divine within myself. The self destructive thought patterns return with a vengeance, there are too many distractions and the fears pull my level of consciousness down. The world becomes hostile and unsafe again, I retreat deeper within lost in the maze and twisting labrynth of my thoughts... it is exhausting.
But I can return to the Camino as I do so now with a few breaths of awareness to write these words after a tiring day of walking the old streets of Sevilla in the Barrio Santa Cruz and El Centro districts.
If I were to use a single word to describe my experience on the Camino it would be... expansion. It was an expansion of my senses reaching outward into the world around me like feelers, I've never been so intimately connected to my surroundings. An expansion of my Self because I had all the room in the world to expand who I was, unencumbered by any identification with possessions, social status, family or friends. An expansion also because though it was a solitary journey I encountered fearless people, other Paths and seekers of the truth of who we truly are, who permitted you the space to simple BE. People who in those moments were not trapped inside their own minds operating on an agenda, or seeking anything from you other than to learn about the path that had led you here. To compare notes and be on their way again with an exchange of goodwill. It was safe for me to speak my mind with them and to love them. In my experience, the other people on the camino are often there to remind you of how amazingly talented and beautiful you are. Too often, we are led to believe otherwise I struggle and continue to do so to recognize myself the way I truly am.
The Camino was like your life condensed into the amount of time you had planned to arrive at Santiago, or wherever you define your objective because it really doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter that you complete your task because life decides that for you. I didn't walk all the way to Santiago but I felt in my heart that it was right not to do so for me, I relinquished the Camino due to unforeseen circumstances and though I could have altered the circumstances to continue walking I didn't do so since I was confident that I had walked the correct journey. Maybe it had to do with my realization that the Camino was not ending with Santiago, it would go on for me beyond these borders of Spain until I return Home. I saw how I lived my life by my journey on the camino, and I learned some lessons.
The first day was focused on reaching my objective in the least amount of time so I could move to the next experience. 'The more the better' – not so. Despite being warned by an experienced pilgrim who had walked the distance from Barcelona to the starting point of my camino in the ancient town of Astorga. Alberto in his 30s had already endured over 30 days of walking. He spoke with such passion of his experience. “Be open”, he urged. “The camino will change you... everyday I speak with my Mama and my girlfriend on the phone and they tell me that I am different.” As a final bit of advice he added, “Go slow, take it easy the first 3 days!”. I didn't quite listen to him, I feared that I would be the last one to reach the objective of the first day and I would be arriving in the dark without any place to stay so I hauled ass the first day and covered the 13.3 mile objective to the village of Rabanal in just 4 hours. Over the next couple of days my pace was humbled more and more as the punishment of my feet and back from the hard flat terrain took its toll. I walked the first few days alone and it was a struggle, the journey although shortened to just 11 days by starting my journey from Astorga instead of the French border seemed too much to bear. By the 4th day I was arriving around dinner time. It is the journey not the destination that matters, being forced to take frequent breaks meant that I was aware of my environment more. I had to trust that there would be a place for me to lay my head down at the end of the day and that people would be willing to help me otherwise.
" A warrior of light never forgets to be grateful. He was helped in his battle by the angels and the divine powers that made order and made it possible to share the best of himself. His friends says "He's so lucky!" And the warrior will often accomplish beyond his skills. So he kneels by the sunset and gives thanks to the mantel that he's swept in. But his gratitude is not only limited to the spiritual world. He is never forgotten by his friends, because on the battlefield their blood has been mixed with his. A warrior of light does not need anyone to remind him of the help he has received by others, he remembers by himself, and shares all his rewards with them" – from the Handbook for the warriors of light
Saturday, May 17, 2008
This Life... before it is taken.
The Santiago trail was magical, I lived a completely different life for 10 days in a magical fairy tale land. I was Don Quixote traversing the Spanish landscape of meadows, pastures, rolling hills, streams, villages, towns... some these places were still very medieval in appearance.
The night before I started the trail I kept waking up each time I fell asleep, it was a reflexive response beyond my control. It was as though in that hotel room, there was an entity waiting to take possession of my body. It dawned on me that the real source of my fear was that I would not wake up the same person because I knew that in the days ahead the Camino de Santiago would change me. There was nothing to anchor me to who I was for the next few weeks ahead. Walking the trail for that period meant I was anyone I wanted to be... the possibilities were completely open. I had left behind anything that may have indicated that my name was Aaron Shori - possessions, job title, family, friends. nothing was familiar, not the landscape and even my language didn't work anymore. And when you walk 8 hours a day with none of the usual distractions instead surrounded by achingly beautiful scenery, in the tranquil undemanding embrace of nature, your spirit begins to rise and expand. Yes, for 10 days I walked a remarkable journey as a peregrino (pilgrim) and I was intoxicated with life.
I will write more detail on the experience of the Camino in a subsequent post. For now I wish to pay a small tribute to a coworker of mine. He passed away on May 12th in his late 30s, he used to sit 10 ft from me at my work and for 3 months he was on disability suffering an inexplicable health complication that had him in and out of ER sometimes 3 times a week. His name is Fazlul and I was blessed to have to opportunity to know and contribute to him in the year prior to his parting for that is when he joined the company, he had moved from Canada a year ago with his wife and 2 children. Not knowing anyone in California and his wife being unable to drive meant that he had to rely on his coworkers for transportation from the ER to home to medical appointment, week after week. Numerous tests were performed for months but there were no answers for the dizziness, nausea and intense pain in the neck that accompanied his frequent attacks. Before I began my journeying for April he called me to the hospital where he was admitted to see his newborn 3rd child - a boy named Sean Ryan. I never saw him again, for I had since then moved out of my apartment and had begun traveling on the Bright Path. Today in Madrid, as I opened my emails to catch up on events I learned of his passing. His body will be brought to Bangladesh and his wife will return to Canada with the 3 children.
Fazlul, may God bless you and your family. You didn't deserve to suffer your last days on this earth in this life the way you did. Your Camino in this life has reached its final step and now you as you start a new one on another path in another place and time, I bid you in the fashion among the Peregrinos of the Camino "Buen Camino my friend", journey well and far.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Towards Spain
My postings will likely dwindle for the next month, I will spend 30 days in Spain and I am uncertain about my internet access.
"Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin! "
Vancouver, Fluoride and Orbs
This trip I got to meet my dear friend Mona's fiance. His name is Peter and he had some interesting pictures on his camera. He showed me two pictures that he had taken in the new apartment that he and Mona had just moved into a few days ago. Both of them contained orbs. Orbs have recently been causing a sensation and books have been written, research has been conducted. It's easy to dismiss Orbs as malarkey, indeed most of them are nothing more than minute particles in the air being reflected by the camera's flash. Yet the pictures he showed me simply could not be dismissed that easily. The first one showed a patch on his shirt, it was taken in the garage under clear lighting. The second one that was taken a few minutes later sent chills up my spine, it was of Mona and the orb was huge in comparison. In fact it was PERFECTly overlapping her head with the exception of her mouth and chin. Science has a few theories for Orbs and some are paranormal. I have my own compelling belief about them that falls in neatly with the things I have learned recently.
In a separate conversation, my other dear friend Kally's husband also had some fascinating information about fluoride and plane spraying. According to Rajeev, the government has been spraying particles in the air that make us more compliant. He also pointed out that there is no reason for the high quantities of fluoride in our water. The first time fluoride was used was by the Nazi's in concentration camps to make the prisoners more compliant and dull. Apparently the average person will lose about 10-15 IQ points in their lifetime due to fluoride. He went on to list out other types of governmental research that was alarming and not publicly known.
Another odd set of occurrence that is hard to ignore... the lady on the plane en route to Vancouver mentioned the Mayan calendar and the year 2012. It was the first time I heard of this, and I didn't think much about it. The Mayans are long gone, I'm happy with my current calendar. The next day, Rajeev (Kally's husband) mentions the Mayan calendar and the year 2012. Second time in two days, wow. The next day again, Peter (Mona's fiance) mentions the Mayan calendar and the year 2012, now I'm concerned and listening.
This begs the question: Are my friend's are involved with nutbags or is the Universe trying to tell us something?
A Momentary Terrorist
1. my brand new Canadian passport replacing a lost one
2. the fact that I made the decision to quit my job and leave sunny California for no sensible reason, exiting on a one way ticket to Malaysia without any significant career purpose
3. that I was going to Spain for 30 days on the 30th of April to rendesvouz with someone that I had met on a trip to Malaysia a year and a half ago
4. that I had a CD in my luggage called Dub Qawali by Nusrah Fateh Ali Khan which looked menacingly like fanatical brain washing by some sort of muslim extremist mullah
5. that I had among my possessions a slip of paper entitled “No Fear” in capital letters and listing out strategic on court instructions for advancing my tennis game. In bullet form were words such as “stay aggressive”, “take the ball early” etc. It looked remarkably like motivational instructions for storming an airplane cockpit.
Gao ran all kinds of background checks on me and my itinerary, the moving company that I had engaged, the friend that I was meeting. As a final measure he even borrowed two of my music CDs and listened to then researched their content. I was impressed at his dedication and the more time I spent with him, the more I admired his professionalism. At the end of our interaction, as the veil of suspicion fell away, he broached the hint of a sheepish apologetic smile as we called me forward to return all my Ids, paperwork and other evidence that he had accumulated. Though bemused and entertained, I was glad to part as another innocuous journeyman desiring passage.
Gao you deserve a medal for your efforts, I thank you for your orchestration of this journal entry and I also thank you that the rubber gloves you put on were strictly for the purpose of sifting through my baggage and nothing else. :)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
the streets of Vancouver
Owing to the privilege of staying at my friend Kally's downtown apartment I was able to walk to the passport renewal office to replace my Canadian passport that somehow had walked away during my packing and storage a month ago. At the government office I was struck by the decorum and properness of the government officers, Canada is really the British version of the USA but more liberal. Then there was the quest to find a yoga studio, it was not hard to accomplish that. Yoga has really blossomed in this city as everywhere else in the modern world it seems.
This time walking the streets I allowed myself to let down my guard, stay fully present and observe the expression of each person, actually trying to make eye contact. I found beauty reflected back though shrouded by fear. I realized the smiles were quicker on the faces of the people of Hawaii.
Intuition
I interrupted her to excuse myself to the restroom at a point in the conversation when she had just begun to tell how she came to begin her spiritual quest. I returned and asked her to resume the conversation even providing the precise point where we left off but she ignored it and instead asked about my finances and seconds later she told me straight out that I was going to meet someone with a lot of money that would be very important to me financially. She said that was the message she received while I was away in the restroom. In December, at my office Xmas party there was a card reader on hand and I had my fortune read for the year, almost all the cards that I picked from the deck pertained to finance and the reader told me that this year was important to me financially and that it would involve someone older. To hear this affirmed by someone next to me on the plane left me astounded. I probed her about her ability to discern the future and she said that she received messages sometimes and was not a psychic in the true sense.
As she was helped into her wheelchair after the flight (she walked with a cane as a result of a fall recently), we hugged and one of the last things she told me was that walking the Santiago trail was going to be a meaningful experience for me. I looked at her in parting and noted her warm smile and glowing complexion. She seemed so radiant and otherwordly. When we were talking earlier she had asked if I had met angels before and I thought of another elderly woman that had sat once next to me at Nordstrom cafe. I told Glenn that I probably had come across such entities in my life but was not aware with certainty. She told me that she believed them to exist and guide us.
Perhaps she had been a heavenly usher along the bright path.
Monday, April 21, 2008
For my birthday I would like some time to sit down and breathe
I am updating my blog now in Plano, Texas in my younger brother's home. My mother flew in from China 3 days ago and we drove to Texas from the OC. A non-stop haul of 21 hours and through the night. A road trip with my Mum that had me see in my 33rd birthday eastbound on the I-20. That morning as we were on the road, the sun rose directly in front of us and the full moon was equally huge as it descended in the rear view mirror, a unique occurrence of perfect harmony.
I was grateful to be with my mother and brother, Aidan, and his fiance on my birthday. We had a dinner here in Plano in his neighborhood and then had some martini listening to a live duo perform on-stage. My bro's settled real well in the US. He's got a lovely setup here in Plano, nice upscale living in a well planned urban community, everything within walking distance and safe. Opportunities to meet beautiful women abound here, my buddy Thanh would love it here. Socially, it has everything that Ladera Ranch in the OC lacks for the single bachelor. Today is Thanh's birthday, we were born less than a day apart and it seemed that our fates are intertwined as a result of this cosmic arrangement. We both seemed to be the last two bachelors at work and he commented that his Mum once told him that he would never be lucky with love because of his birthdate. The evidence show strongly that I am doomed to the same fate due to the close alignment of our stars.
Tomorrow morning I have a flight to Vancouver to see some dear friends for what would the last time for a long time.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Living Free
Prior to California I was living in Vancouver stuck in a relationship and job that was repeating itself and going nowhere. I was not learning and expanding, and in that life I was also denying my girlfriend of 4.5 years her own destiny. Knowing this I was too afraid to let go because the fear of loneliness was crippling. How do you let go of someone that loves you when it seems that is all you have and love is all that matters? My family was scattered across the globe and I was the only one left in Vancouver, she seemed to be the only one that cared. Sometimes you grab life by the horns and sometimes it charges you unexpectedly. Once I ended the relationship I lost my job 2 weeks later, I left Vancouver and drifted for a while and to cut a story short California found me.
California is where I grew up, I've lived in Malaysia and Canada for the past 28 years but the past 5 years in Cali have been such great growth and inner cleansing. The person that is leaving California is hardly recognizable to the one that arrived here with a suitcase full of work clothes and heart full of intention to expand my being. The people make it hard to leave... I don't recall my heart being so heavy in leaving any place prior to this and I had lived in those places for longer. It seems that the bonds I've made here are stronger, maybe it is a quality of being more mature that the relationships also are taken more deeply into yourself. I can look at many faces of the people I have known here and I can recognize the specific quality that has drawn them to me and that I have learned from. Compassion, Joy, Maturity, Humility, Courage, they all wore faces and I knew them personally. I take a part of each of you with me, you are all part of me now, this is how I have grown.
A dear friend of mine threw me a going away party and I invited these people to attend. Someone had made me a book of travel quotes and during my farewell commentary I glanced through it and one quote jumped out immediately and I relayed it to the group. It could not have been more perfect:
"When the Heart grieves over what it has lost, the Spirit rejoices over what it has left."